This Blog Sucks

How did I get here without pants?

2008-11-19T12:41:00.002-05:00

I have this thought in the restroom periodically, on the rare occasions I wear a skirt to work. Usually when I'm finished I'll reach down and haul my pants back into position. When I'm wearing a skirt, though, there's nothing TO pull up.

And so I panic momentarily, wondering why I'm not wearing pants, and how I got all the way to work without any in the first place.

I'm alive, I swear!

2008-09-24T08:44:00.002-04:00

Holy Moses, I can't believe I haven't updated since July. Gives you an idea of how crazy my life is these days.

So crazy, in fact, that I am now the proud owner of High Blood Pressure! Yes, yours truly was whisked away to the doctor's a few weeks ago, where the verdict was 201/130. I was given something fun to crash it while they watched me for an hour and told me if it didn't work they'd transfer me to UH.

Which, of course, did nothing for my blood pressure.

Anyway.

I have to go see a hypertension specialist, get ultrasounds of my heart and kidneys, an echocardiogram, and I'm on more pills than Heath Ledger.

Just ask Mary-Kate Olsen.

I told you people. I so effing told you people.

2008-07-02T14:18:00.002-04:00

Group work in an online class setting?

FAIL.

I got stuck with the Desperate Housewives contingent, who worked only part time if at all and were overzealous about getting our group's work in by Friday so they could have the entire weekend to take their kids to soccer practice and sit at Stabucks and get botox.

More than once, these people left me almost nothing to do on the weekends. Um, hi, I work, bitches. One of them even emailed me AT WORK to ask me if I was going to do the assignment soon...um, no, you idiot, I'm AT WORK at the moment. Kthxbai.

So they took it out on me in the peer evaluation. One of them said, and I quote, "did not check in for multiple days at a time due to (my) job."

Digest that.

I didn't check in and do work when they wanted me to because of MY JOB.

Fuck you, your children, your family, all you stand for, the horse you rode in on, your momma, and yourself again for good measure.

Dear Giant Cable Company Run by Media's Favorite Assclown: Part II

2008-06-04T06:17:00.002-04:00

No, I am NOT going to waste my time fixing YOUR mistake by going down to the local office, standing in line with my driver's license and my social security number, so that you can correctly enter my socical security number on my account. I refuse to be inconvenienced because of your fuck up.

On second thought...why do you need my social security number anyway?

You guys suck.

Dear Giant Cable Company Run by Media's Favorite Assclown

2008-05-31T15:10:00.002-04:00

How do I hate thee? Let me count the ways.

1. You hit me with a $94.18 COD charge when my friendly neighborhood cable guy pulled into my driveway and opened his truck door.

2. You are apparently unable to enter my actual social security number, thus rendering me unable to yell at you and make you credit me aforementioned $94.18. Incorrect social security number + no account number (really? did you REALLY think I had one of these? I don't even have your cable services yet, let alone a bill; how did you think I was going to actually have an account number?) = nobody can make changes on my account.

3. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

4. You didn't provide me with the DVR I wanted and ordered. Cable guy told me I would have to reschedule another install for the correct unit. Customer service agent made me wait 30 minutes whilst she "activated" something. DVR still does not work; I will not be getting those 30 minutes of my life back.

Also, I hate statistics and I require Funyuns.

That is all.

I'm going to die

2008-05-17T14:40:00.001-04:00

We did 31 miles in and out of the Valley today. In addition to doing a particular hill that happens to be 3 miles long, the wind was horrendous and was blowing us every which way but forward. I cannot remember the last time I worked so hard on the bike.

I am WIPED. My tush is sore, my legs are sore, my lungs ache, and I have no feeling in my nether regions.

There's a nun on my Facebook

2008-05-12T08:28:00.002-04:00

Srsly. I have no idea how she managed to work a computing apparatus, let alone how she's not dead yet. She was old as hell when I was in high school. But there's a nun on my Facebook.

And not just any nun. The crazy one that we used to call "Nun-In-A-Box" because she sold chips and candy bars out of this tiny room in the middle of the cafeteria. Everything was 50 cents, and if you paid with a dollar you always got a quarter, two dimes and a nickel back. Never two whole quarters. If you paid with more than 5 pennies she threw the snack at you.

So Nun-In-A-Box is on my Facebook.

Whisky Tango Foxtrot?

2008-05-08T11:37:00.002-04:00

I'm getting my MBA from a (very reputable and very difficult, thankyouverymuch) online program. I'm three classes away from finishing it. Six months. 170 days.

Not that I'm counting.

I'm a busy person. Everybody is. My solidly-booked Franklin Covey planner is not special in this regard; that's just how life is these days. So I go to school online in order to fit classwork into my life on my terms.

In my new class, however, we have group work. Group. Work. This is a bad idea for several reasons, and since I love you all very very much, I will reiterate them here in excruciating detail:

1. We're going to school online because WE HAVE NO TIME FOR TRADITIONAL CLASS.

2. We're flung over different time zones because we're going to school online because WE HAVE NO TIME FOR yeah that.

Therefore, by the transitive property...

THIS ISN'T GOING TO WORK.

Teh floo; I haz it

2008-05-02T18:13:00.002-04:00

Three days. THREEEEEEEEEE DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYS I've had this ridiculous flu/ebola/Marburg virus/whatever. I'm somewhat less than amused.

Fortunately, today I am able to not regurgitate everything I eat. Progress I suppose.

The new job is kicking my ass twice. I love it, I really do, and it's really interesting stuff. I'm working on my team's homespace on the intranet, among other things. But it's the first time I've been anything other than an admin/secretary, and it's a huge adjustment. There are so many frigging meetings! I haven't yet figured out how to do my acutal work in the 30 minutes I have before I have to sit on another conferencne call or go to another meeting.

Consequently, I spend 8 hours every day feeling rushed, hectic, and like there's not enough time for everything. Of course, then I end up taking that feeling home with me, and I think that stress is why I ended up with the flu in the first place.

Other news...HRH started his job on Monday. So far he likes it. They offer training and espoused during orientation how they prefer to hire employees that want to better themselves and move up; saying it makes for a better company. HRH says even if they don't mean it, it's nice to hear them say it.

Biking is going REALLY really well. I've worked so hard over the winter with my Spinervals DVDs, and as a result I'm keeping up with people I never saw last year. I RULE!

Obligatory Monthly Post

2008-04-21T16:03:00.002-04:00

When we last left our fearless heroine, she was knee-deep in New Job Anticipation and helping HRH through his job search.

I'm quite pleased to announce that HRH has been offered, and accepted, a job! He'll be working in the same building he was before (funny how that seems to be running in the family - I left my last job at LawFirm to come to BigFirm, and they're both in the same building). He's thrilled to be getting back to work. :)

I'm still plugging away at learning the new department and new position. Sometimes I think I've got a handle on it; other times I can barely hold my head above water. Slowly but surely, I guess. But we all know how the Baroness hates All Things Unresolved, so it's been an interesting experience.

Critters are still good. The Dane will get his dog walker back, although to tell you the truth, I'm kinda less than 100% pleased. He loves his dog walker, and I think she's great too. She's done a wonderful job with him, and even emails me cute little stories of stuff he's done on their walks. She and I emailed occasionally to touch base and catch up. Her husband has also been looking for a job and I've been able to recommend him for a few positions with BigFirm, so hopefully something pans out there.

But apparently we lost not only our time slot, but the ability to have her walk him the entire week. She's completely booked on Tuesdays and Wednesdays now. The plan had always been to eventually get him to 5 days per week (she had previously only been coming 3 days), but I guess that's not a possibility now.

And I was so way beyond totally cool with her. Joking around in emails, really laid back, the Dane got her a Christmas gift, I recommended her husband for some jobs...I guess business is business, but still. Kinda stings.

Well now.

2008-03-21T09:11:00.002-04:00

It's been a long, strange month, kids...

HRH was let go from his job not long after I made my last post. The funny thing is, less than 24 hours later, he was happier and less stressed. I knew he hated that job; I just didn't know how much. And I don't think either of us realized how it was affecting him until it was no longer a factor. He's been interviewing for some different things, and hopefully he will be able to find something that he likes. In the meantime, he's been making me dinner. :)

I've been interviewing for, and received, a job in another area of the company that means one helluva promotion/pay raise. I'll no longer be an admin. No more Princess! YAY! Pay raise + unemployment = everything's gonna be alright. Alriiiiiight. :)

Also have been hitting the bike pretty hard in anticipation of next month's season opener ride. Can't wait to get back together with the team! Should be a lot of fun. I really love the team rides and events we do. I was looking over my team's website and came across a list of things to bring to the MS-150 (this was from last year). Gave me goosebumps.

I think that's about it. Critters are good. House is good. Life is good. :)

LOLcat of the day

2008-02-20T09:38:00.002-05:00

Nothin' says lovin' like a red-assed baboon

2008-02-14T12:50:00.002-05:00

Happy Valentine's Day, my little minions!

Dear Helpdesk...

2008-02-04T13:29:00.000-05:00

Allow me to preface this with the fact that I am very happily married. I love my husband very much.

But I keep having some very naughty thoughts about two brothers. I don't care to disclose who these brothers are, because they are very well-known. Let's just call them "18" and "10."

At any rate - how can I quiet my brain? I'm trying to work today, but my thoughts just keep drifting off into dreamboat-land.

Miss Quarterback Sneak

Dear Miss Quarterback Sneak -

You are very sneaky, indeed, trying to put one past Helpdesk like that. 18 and 10 secretly pine for Helpdesk and only Helpdesk. When they fight, they fight over who gets Helpdesk first. Helpdesk, being the gracious and selfless being that Helpdesk is, always offers to let them both go first.

But back to your question...how to quiet your brain. Helpdesk will come and go all "Bitch, my man ain't your baby's daddy" on you. Brain should quiet sufficiently after that.

Recognize.

Love & Rockets,

Helpdesk

LOLcat of the day

2008-02-01T11:06:00.000-05:00

Dear Helpdesk...

2008-01-31T08:18:00.000-05:00

I am getting ready to interview for a great job. What questions should I expect? How should I answer them?

Much love to my peeps,

The Cubicle Farmer

Dear Cubicle Farmer:

Congratulations on pursuing other opportunities! It's a well-documented fact that whoever we work for does not appreciate enough, and they do not pay us enough. They also do not have onsite yoga, but that's another story...

They will probably ask you to say a few things about yourself like what are your best traits, what are your weaknesses, etc. You should always lie. Tell them that your best traits are your willingness to be at the job until midnight, your ability to suck up to anyone, and the fact that you've always been underpaid. Trust me, they will love it when they hire you and find you zooming away from your cubic-hell at 4:58, telling everyone they're a jackass, and demanding large raises. Everyone loves a surprise! Tell them it are your birthday.

Love & Rockets,

Your friendly Helpdesk

Today can suck my ass

2008-01-28T09:47:00.000-05:00

For reasons that I will keep to myself, thankyouverymuch, the only thing I feel like doing right now is curling up into a ball and crying.

Unfortunately, I am at the hell commonly known as "work," and here I will remain for the next 7 hours.

This ought to be good.

LOLcat of the day

2008-01-25T11:03:00.001-05:00

Dear Helpdesk...

2008-01-23T14:11:00.000-05:00

I'm being micromanaged within an inch of my life. I'd like to know how I can survive this misery without committing murder or suicide or both.

--Micromanaged

Dear Micromanaged:

Micromanagers suck, and that's sad. In order to circumvent the situation, you need ammunition. By acquiring and placing the following objects on or near your desk, you can convince anyone that you're halfway to the loony bin, which will in turn cause them to leave you alone.

Hugs & Kisses,

Helpdesk

LOLcat of the day

2008-01-23T11:41:00.000-05:00

Things I'd Like to Do

2008-01-22T09:33:00.000-05:00

1. Knock over Stonehenge

2. Dismantle the Eiffel Tower and sell it for scrap metal

3. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

4. Cross-breed a bulldog and a shih tzu, resulting in a bullshiht

5. Steal the popemobile and use it in a drive-by

6. Fill in the Grand Canyon with decorative sand

Still sick.

2008-01-12T10:36:00.000-05:00

In the past week I've rotated between believing I have anthrax, SARS, ebola, and the Marburg virus.

I feel like I am biological warfare personified. I'm very coughy, and sniffly, and generally germy. Yay. It's preventing me from going to the super awesome bike class that kicked my ass and that irks me more than a little. Can't lose too much ground, but then I don't want to overextert myself this early in the season. Thankfully at this early stage there's a little more wiggle room.

Work is still work. I'm still very displeased with them (and that's an understatement). I was out sick Wednesday and Thursday, and on Thursday the Princess had another admin call me THREE TIMES. I love how he didn't have the balls to do it himself; he made someone else call me. What a coward.

Fortunately I have a few things in the air, both internally and externally. We'll see what pans out.

Teh internetz, I luvs dem

2008-01-09T18:10:00.000-05:00

It's been a long, hectic holiday season, not without its share of family drama. But out with the old, in with the new. Or something New Years-y like that.

I'm sick. I know it's just a cold but I'm freaking miserable and convinced I might die. I'm so stuffed up my ears hurt. Pretty sure that's not normal.

I know I've been sporadic lately; I've been venting elsewhere. I'm toying with the idea of linking it in the sidebar, but I wonder if the two worlds should remain separate.

Eh, screw it. Just kill me now.

Balancing my checkbook

2007-12-13T10:14:00.000-05:00

December is shaping up to be an interesting month. My favorite week of the year is always the week between Christmas and New Year's, because that week contains my birthday. And the whole week is just a blur of celebrations, get togethers, spending time with family and friends, etc. I just love it.

Only this year, Homeless Jesus (yeah, I'm callin' you out!) is moving away. On my birthday. I'm thrilled for her that she's going to begin a new phase in her life, but on the other hand, I feel a little like this:

But another pal is moving back to the Cleveland area from a 3-month stint in Tex-ass. Things didn't work out, and she'll be back in the area just before Christmas. I'm bummed for her that things didn't work out, but on the other hand I'm glad she's moving back. I've missed hanging out with her.

So if one friend is moving out of the area but another one moves back to it, is the net result still the same?

Scared of Santa

2007-12-07T13:59:00.000-05:00

Coming up for air...

2007-12-04T10:00:00.001-05:00

I know it's been forever since I posted. I've been venting on another forum lately, and it's been cathartic. But things have kind of slowed down there lately, and I'm not feeling the same outlet that I used to. Maybe things will pick up again after the holidays. I hope so; I had counted these people among my internet friends.

Things are still the same here. Same crappy job. I didn't get the position at the museum, unfortunately. I suppose it's just as well; I'm sure they pay jack. Not that money is everything, but when you have things like a mortgage and a car payment and critters to support, it tends to come in handy. There's a few more things I want to put in for, but I'm being very selective this time around. I can't deal with another admin position. I'm done being someone's hired bitch.

Her Royal Squeakiness went to the v-e-t twice in the past week. We got home last week and she was really listless and lethargic, and her eyes were glassy. She wasn't really moving around, which is odd for her since she usually meets us at the door to remind us that we need to get her dinner. So she went to the kitty doctor the next day, when we noticed she was also limping. Long story short (too late!) she had a VERY infected laceration deep between her toes, which was probably causing the fever / resulting lethargy and was certainly causing the limping. And oh my, did she HOWL when they cleaned it out. I thought she was going to kill me in my sleep that night. Fortunately yesterday's checkup was very favorable, and she is almost all the way healed. :)

Getting a little worried about Christmas presents. I found out that The Firm does not give bonuses. That's right, my multi-billion dollar, international, 100,000+ employee firm does not give bonuses. This rant sounds familiar...I may have bitched about this before, but it deserves an encore. Bastards. Fortunately HRH understands that his Christmas present may come in January.

God I love that man.

Spinning the Wheel of Ran-dumb-ness

2007-11-06T11:08:00.000-05:00

1. My Great Dane had to go to the emergency vet yesterday, because he started limping and not letting his foot touch the ground. The vet didn't see anything broken in the x-rays, which is good but kinda not since we still don't know exactly what it is. The current diagnosis is some kind of soft tissue injury, for which I get to syringe anti-inflammatory meds down his throat every morning (guess how much he loves that...go on...guess). I hate the "wait and see" approach, but that's what we get here. Lovely.

2. This place is driving me bonkers. Three months ago I was told that people in my position aren't allowed to work from home. Yesterday the very same person who told me that (and I'm not the only one she told this to, BTW) sent out an email telling people in my position how to work from home. This one rates about a 9.5 on my WTF-o-meter.

3. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

4. I'm having Thanksgiving this year. I'm a vegetarian. Let that one sink in.

5. Actually I'm very excited about having Thanksgiving this year. It means I get to make stuffing and mashed potatoes and other coma-inducing carbohydrates.

6. Very worried about my puppy. Very.

Pizza Slut, I love thee

2007-10-26T14:57:00.000-04:00

I love thee, Pizza Slut. Because thou art greasy and skanky, just like your name implies. Because there is no pizza in the world quite like you, Pizza Slut. Thou art truly unique among the other circular crusts with tomato sauce, cheese, and various toppings.

Pizza Slut, thou art the savior of hungover college students and the beer-drinking disenfranchised office inhabitants the world over. Thou heraldest the battle cry of Sunday Night Football and banisheth the woes of a dateless Friday night.

Pizza Slut, thou art the ultimate house of pizza.

Sucky McSuckerson

2007-10-21T13:10:00.001-04:00

Other things that suck (besides my crap-tastic, we-don-want-you-to-ever-leave-your-desk-even-if-you-have-to-go-to-the-doctor job):

1. I'm on my second round of a higher-dose antibiotic for this goddamn bladder infection. Everything makes my stomach upset. Eating? Queasy. Not eating? Queasy. Looks like I'll be miserable until Friday. Oh goody.

2. Cleveland BitterCon is tomorrow. We're meeting at my favorite pub. I'm excited to meet these people, and excited to go to my favorite pub. But I get to be sober. See above re: antibiotics.

3. Since the whole "No Number 3" thing originated with Martini, this Number 3 is dedicated to her. She and D are in Jamaica, and got married yesterday. Not only are they in Jamaica, BBM and Girlfriend are ALSO in Jamaica, as a surprise for said wedding. I, on the other hand, am clearly NOT in Jamaica. Not only am I totally jealous, but I'm a little upset that BBM and Girlfriend didn't let me in on their plans. We went to Martini's first wedding together. It would have been awesome if the three of us were there for this one too. :(

4. My grumpy old man is sick. He's drool-y. I don't know why. Today he is drooling much less than yesterday, which I am taking as a good sign. He's a sneeze away from me hauling him into the emergency vet. HRH is gently trying to convince me to wait until tomorrow morning and we'll call our regular vet. All three cats were there yesterday for their yearly shots/physicals. I'm not sure why this was missed, but hopefully we'll get an explanation (or an appointment) tomorrow.

5. Fucking antibiotics. They deserve to be on this list twice.

You're all idiots. Part 375, 791, 019.

2007-10-19T14:43:00.000-04:00

So I got hauled into HOA's office today. Apparently an email I had sent around announcing my departure that afternoon did not make its rounds. This is, it was explained to me, my fault.

I am rapidly growing tired of this attitude. Nothing I ever do is good enough for these people. If something I do didn't work out to someone's unrealistic expectations (cough Princess cough), I get "well, you should have gone to the Prime Minister of Canada and asked if he wanted a blow job from a water buffalo." Well, not exactly, but where do these people come up with these random Things I Should Have Known To Do?

This whole opportunity was grossly misrepresented to me.

Observe

2007-10-16T17:00:00.001-04:00

The power of the new template! You will cower before it! You will sacrifice your first born to appease it!

Eh, fuck it. Who cares.

Taxez. I hatez them.

2007-10-15T15:08:00.000-04:00

My awesome 3% raise was eaten up by taxes. Literally. There's no difference in Coconut's Paycheck Before Raise and Coconut's Paycheck After Raise.

The Coconut is less than pleased.

Further, I'm told that the new place of employment has no year-end bonus program. At all. Nothing. They used to give $50 but they stopped doing it (which is probably for the best; $50 is insulting and I would have told them to take it back)

WTF?!??!

This is a billion dollar, multi-national, 100,000+ employee firm. That's too cheap to give year-end bonuses. Nice.

Optional Friday

2007-10-12T09:51:00.000-04:00

Fridays are optional at my place of employment. It's an unspoken rule of some sort. Of course, it's also an unspoken rule that this does not apply the the lowest caste, the Admins. And so I am here, in my cubic-hell, trying to act Not Bored. I'm leaving at noon today, though, so I won't have to act Not Bored for much longer.

Martini is leaving next week for her Jamaican wedding festival luau Lindsey-Lohan-got-out-of-rehab-more-alchol-for-the-rest-of-us drunken debauchery. Which means that the Coconut will be in a bored-related coma until her return. Attempts to inform her that it's all about me were unsuccessful.

A work friend of mine is having her We Got Married and Stuff party this weekend. I'm so thrilled for her and her new husband - which, incidentally, is the partner she used to work for at the law firm we used to work for. Very Cinderella. She told me yesterday that they had 180 bottles of wine. Except they only have 130 guests. This ought to be good. Of course, all the partners and miscellaneous lawyers from the law firm we used to work for will be there too (including The Giant Leprechaun), so I have to make at least a half-hearted attempt at good behavior.

Finally, observe the addition to Blogs That Don't Suck. Ragingserver's blog is a jaw-dropping read. Be thankful you don't have to put up with the idiots he does, and please, write your congressional representatives in support of mandatory birth control for anyone south of the Mason-Dixon line.

Today

2007-10-11T13:22:00.000-04:00

The view is different if you turn 180 degrees.

Whereas yesterday I was in a good mood, today my day couldn't get any worse. Well, it could if The Princess decides to yell at me for another ridiculous reason. Actually, if he comes by, I might give him a freebie, just to make my day complete.

I went across the street for lunch to the Panera-Like Substance. There was no seating in there, so I had to come back across the street to the little roach-infested cafe to sit and eat my soup. The little old woman that owns it got right in my face (I'm not kidding - physically, I could have licked her teeth she was so close) and asked me not to bring in other food again. And honestly, I was apologetic, I told her that there was no seating across the street, I hadn't meant to, blah blah blah. I'm too fluffing nice. Then her tone turned nasty, saying "I pay rent in here...don't do it again!" As if I had a choice - really, I would have much rather stayed across the street, because it's nicer, cleaner, doesn't smell like a deep fryer, has a fireplace, and does not (at least to my knowledge) have cockroaches. See how much they've got going for them? Yeah, I came to Le Roach Cafe because I wanted to.

So after being nice and humiliated, I slupred down the rest of my soup and hurried upstairs to my desk to read for my class. I forgot my pass so I stood outside the door, sweating in my coat, waiting for someone to rescue me. Then I dropped my book on my way to my desk. Then, despite the fact that I had put up a post-it that read "@ LUNCH," people still saw fit to ask me to do stuff. Which I did, because I haven't yet figured out how to say no in those situations. That's why I go elsewhere when I need to read for class. Apparently, though, the universe does not want me to learn about bonds.

When you put it that way, I think I can live with the results.

Holla

2007-10-10T16:10:00.000-04:00

No particular reason for this post. I'm just feeling pretty good about things these days.

The Great Debt Payoff has commenced. Granted, I had to liquidate my 401k, but it was sucky anyway and going nowhere in this market. I paid off 2 accounts, had a little fun, and stuck $500 in savings. I am now the proud owner of an Emergency Cushion, in the form of a paid-off Citi card and a savings account that will likely hit $700 by next week. My plan is not to touch either unless the car breaks, the house breaks, or the critters break. :( But I'm working hard at saving so that it will never have to dip below the initial $500.

I feel pretty good about that. I feel pretty good about HRH's and my financial future. I think we're on the right track.

I also feel pretty good about my departure plans. Suffice to say that a certain situation was grossly misrepresented to me. I have come to terms with that and decided to move on. Actually, just the coming-to-terms-with-it part lifted a HUGE weight off of my shoulders. I had no idea how tiring it was trying to force myself to like it until I allowed myself to stop.

The Great Dock-tor Kay agreed to fill my happy pills for another year. I had told her about this summer, when I got lazy and didn't refill the scrip. I figured it was summer (so no winter blahs), I was outside biking 120+ miles a week (which I LOVE, and exercise is supposed to help depression anyway, right?) with a team of people I loved. There's no way in hell I need these pills, right?

Not so fast, my lovely little Coconut. I felt myself sliding back after a few short weeks. This time, though, I recognized the symptoms and sprinted the pharmacy instead of wasting 18 months of my life - much of which I don't even remember - hoping that I'd snap out of it, that ignoring it would make it go away, that nobody would notice and I could fake it another day.

Guess it's not situational. My uncle, rumor has it, is on lithium (when he bothers to take it), so I have a feeling this may run in the family. I got spider veins AND depression! Wheeeeeeee!

Why the hell couldn't I get supermodel legs and double Ds, I'll never know.

Untitled

2007-10-05T14:14:00.001-04:00

So my department had this "all-hands" meeting yesterday, at our off-site facility. I had to help plan and execute the games associated with said meeting. It was very "The Office." In fact, we referred to the entire day as "Michael Scott's Dunder Mifflin Scranton Meredith Palmer Memorial Celebrity Rabies Awareness Pro-Am Fun Run for the Cure."

We weren't allowed to wear shorts in the facility, but could change into them for the afternoon barbeque lunch, open bar, and games. It was unseasonably warm yesterday, and so I brought shorts and sandals to change into.

Except I left my pants at the off-site facility.

HRH: "You left your pants at an office meeting? What the #$%^ kind of meeting was this, anyway?!?"

That's interesting.

2007-09-28T10:18:00.000-04:00

It's either the weight lifting kicking in, or the food poisoning I had yesterday, but I lost 3 pounds from last week and I am hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhot.

Obligatory catch-up post

2007-09-22T14:01:00.000-04:00

As the great Martini has said, "I'm sorry I neglected you, internets."

Lots has happened. Most of it I don't really feel like rehashing blow by blow, but suffice to say that I now hate my job and am looking for another one. Yep, I've only been there 8 months, but I can't stand these people. Two of the other admin, one in particular, spies on us all day and reports to our boss what we are doing. She pokes her nose in our business all the time, and the only way she can be happy is apparently to make others miserable.

Also, our boss does not stick up for us. She always takes the side of the people we support. It's nauseating. There are three of us who have decided to remain above the drama, but last week I had a meeting with Boss who told me I don't smile enough and I'm not friendly enough. Who said this, I asked. She couldn't say. I advised her that I consider that idle gossip and I do not partake of such things. Any employer would be thrilled to hear that, right? Ha. Not here. She actually came up to my desk a few days later to ask if I'm smiling and saying hi to people. They're trying to regulate my mood now. I think it's a cult.

HRH's grandmother passed away this week. We were on bereavement leave for the last half of this week. I'm very sorry that his grandmother passed away, as he was very close to her, but at the same I was fluffing THRILLED that I got two days off of work. Two days that I didn't have to listen to their drama. It's really sad when you'd rather go to a funeral than to your own job. That's when you know you need to move on.

Anyway...HRH in a suit. YUM. I'm pretty sure this makes me a horrible human being, but watching him during everything, seeing his humanity and his vulnerability...I have never wanted to pounce on him more. It was such a huge turn-on.

Yes, my lovely bunch of coconuts, there is a seat in hell embroidered with my name.

-K.

You're an idiot. Part V.

2007-09-11T10:44:00.000-04:00

If my meeting begins at 8:30 and I am not scheduled to be here until 8:30, it is not unreasonable by any stretch of the imagination that I will not email my whereabouts to you until I am in the meeting (considering I have to haul my laptop there, set it up, etc. - it is pointless to boot up my laptop from my cubicle to tell you where I am going to be, only to be late to the meeting).

It is not necessary to reply to my "I will be in a meeting from 8:30 until 11:30, in the meantime you can reach so-and-so if you need help" email, timestapmed 8:48, with "next time let me know beforehand I might have needed you for something."

You did not know where I was for 18 minutes. I am SO horribly sorry for that grave injustice. To assuage your anger I will puncture my eardrum with my letter opener.

And in the future, I will tell you where I am going, for every reason, as well as when I come back. So when you get an email that says "I need to change my tampon - I'll be unavailable for about 3.37 minutes," you will know why.

-K.

You're an idiot. Part IV.

2007-09-11T10:41:00.000-04:00

If your name happens to be taped to a conference room as its intended occupant for this afternoon and you cannot recall why said conference room was reserved or what it was reserved for, it is not necessary to insinuate that I go around reserving random conference rooms for you.

Nor is it necessary to speak to me in an accusing and blame-filled tone after I advise you that this conference room reservation is not listed under my name as requestor, nor your name as sponsor. It was likely an innocuous error by a hotelling clerk, and it truly harms no one, least of all you.

-K.

I get it now.

2007-09-11T09:02:00.000-04:00

Sitting here at my desk this morning, it's hard to believe that people in my department are going on about their business, their daily routines, their merry way. Something inside wants to scream at them for this.

Six years ago today, our country was attacked. Our planes were hijacked and our buildings fell. My mother will forever remember the department store she was in when she heard the news of Elvis' death; I will forever remember the law firm I was working in when it all unfolded. It's a funny sort of generational parallel.

As a card-carrying liberal and bona fide anti-Bush Democrat, I'm against the war in Iraq. I'm against this war on terror; this never-ending guerilla warfare that my mother likens to Viet Nam. I'm against our troops dying for oil, for Bush, for no good reason.

But this morning, as I sit here at my desk and try to strike the delicate balance between remembering the past and living in the present, I finally get it. Iraq is not for nothing. It's not for oil (well, it's at least a little bit for oil), for Bush, or for no good reason. It's for us, so that we can continue our lifestyles and our American ways. So that we can continue the liberty of sitting at our desks in the morning and figuring all this out.

Sure, the fact that our troops are over there, stirring up the radicals might not make things "safer" for Americans at home or abroad. But make no mistake - these people hate us and our way of life, and they will attack us, provoked or not. They would love nothing more than for us to cease to exist, or at the very least, begin to exist on their oppressive terms.

And the whole "democracy in the Middle East" thing is definitely misguided at best. You can't take an entire geographical region that has been killing each other for millennia and say "well, you've got to get along, starting NOW! GO!" People don't downshift that face.

But the fact remains that our troops are there to protect not necessarily us as human beings, but us as people. They are protecting our way of life, which we cling to in the face of this horror.

Call me a military brat, but I've always supported our troops, largely without question. But now I finally understand their mission, and I am infinitely humbled.

I Haz a Doggie

2007-07-30T11:16:00.000-04:00

Meet Cody. :)

-K.

This Day Sucks

2007-07-19T13:38:00.000-04:00

Once upon a time (four years ago yesterday), a princess married her prince charming (I married HRH, the love of my life) in a very princess-worthy dress (Jessica McClintock), at a very princess-worthy ceremony (the Cleveland Museum of Art).

Four years ago today, I began my fabulous 10-day honeymoon at Disney's Polynesian Resort. Today, I am in a cubicle.

I. Am. Not. Pleased.

-Kelso

You're an idiot. Part III.

2007-07-18T11:18:00.000-04:00

I think it's absolutely appalling that you want me to ASK you for my time off, instead of advising everyone when I will be out of the office. You are not my boss. You are not my father. You have no authority to do so.

However, if that's the way you want it, I can play that game. And I doubt you will be pleased when I ask you if I can have August 1st off so I can have my cervix biopsied.

-K.

I iz in ur blog, makkin yousless komments.

2007-07-06T13:33:00.000-04:00

Enjoy.

-K.

Parking Lot Thugs Love Me

2007-06-22T09:46:00.000-04:00

HRH and I had to park in a garage other than our usual yesterday, because the stupid Jeep people had Big Momma Jeepster overnight. We were driving a rental car, and didn't have a chance to get the garage door opener that opens our parking garage. So we had to go to a pay-per-day garage.

We get to the front of the line of cars, and HRH hands the guy in booth the ticket and the money.

Parking Lot Thug: Is that your woman?
HRH (slightly confused): ...yeah...
PLT: I gotta shake your hand, man. That's a good looking woman.

I'm now comforted by the fact that if HRH ever left me, I could run straight into the arms of the Parking Lot Thug.

-K.

Sopranos Endings That Wouldn't Have Sucked

2007-06-15T15:07:00.000-04:00

1. The "No One Saw It Coming" Ending: Meadow runs toward the restaurant, and takes a seat just in time to hear Tony inform his family that he's a mob informant, and they're all going to have to go into protective custody.

2. The "Prodigal Son" Ending: Meadow runs toward the restaurant, just in time to see little brother AJ whack Tony. "It's nothing personal, Dad. Just business."

3. The "Scooby Doo" Ending: Agents wearing 70s thrift-store rejects storm the restaurant and apprehend Tony, who then unmask him to reveal...Jimmy Hoffa! "I would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for you meddling kids!"

-K.

Can I go home now?

2007-06-05T19:53:00.000-04:00

Oh wait. I am.

Anyway.

Nothing new to report. Same people at work are still stupid. They also have no knowledge of the concept entitled "common courtesy." Yes it is my job to track you down a conference room, but it does not exempt you from common courtesy. You are allowed to say thank you. They will not dock your pay.

School is still annoying. The prof has given us a message board discussion and an opinion paper, which are both the exact same topic. WTF? Also, the opinion paper must have sources cited. Um, if there are sources to cite, doesn't that make it a research paper? Or do I have to cite my own brain as the source of my opinion?

It's days like this that make me long for a short stick with which to poke people. Or a bungalow.

-K.

Waffles...

2007-06-01T09:09:00.000-04:00

So Nurse Betty and I went out for Mexican Feastiness last night. This means that whenever stuff sucks (aka "often"), we get together (aka "whenever my cubicle rat existence and her nurse-like schedule line up") and drown our sorrows in salsa and margaritas. The tradition did not disappoint.

But Nurse Betty had the great idea of obtaining tickets to the Tribe vs. Braves game, because my favorite team is the Indians and hers is the Braves. This matchup only occurs once every three and a half hectayears (aka "they're not even in the same damn division").

This will be a fabulous time, and not only because I will FINALLY be able to use the phrase "CHIPPER FUCKING JONES SUCKS MY ASS!" in the context for which it was intended.

Too bad they traded Javy Lopez.

-K.

It's nice to know that some things don't change.

2007-06-01T09:04:00.000-04:00

My graduating class is still a bunch of dumbasses.

Our 10 year reunion is scheduled for the same weekend as Pedal to the Point, so I won't be able to make it. Homeless Jesus and I were going to go all "Romy and Michelle" on their asses, because we got really hot after high school and the quarterback now looks like a 50 year old gay man from Miami. And now she's just going to have to Romy by herself. Or Michelle. We hadn't really discussed which one of us was which.

And it's being held at a bar. In the Flats. Where nobody goes anymore. Good job, guys. I'm so proud. I mean, Christ on a cracker, at least pick a bar in the goddamn Warehouse District.

Morons.

-K.

You're an idiot. Part II.

2007-05-31T11:10:00.000-04:00

When you require that I chase down resolution to two issues for you, I will call whoever I need to in order to get this done.

This will include posing each issue to them and asking if they have insight on resolution.

This will also include things such as asking for further clarification with regards to "somewhere on the website."

This will not include your need to call my assignment afterwards, telling him I'm pushy and for that you refuse to assist in the situation.

-K.

You're an idiot.

2007-05-30T10:20:00.000-04:00

When I hand you a box that came in the mail for you, clearly unopened in nature, do not ask me what it is.

-K.

Drunken Trivial Pusuit

2007-05-29T08:47:00.000-04:00

HRH and I made up a new drinking game last night: Drunken Trivial Pursuit. Because if you're going to get hammered, you might as well learn something in the process.

How to play:

1. If your opponent answers a question incorrectly, they take a swig of beer.

2. If your opponent answers a question correctly, you take a swig of beer.

3. No number three.

4. If you answer a question incorrectly, you take a swig of beer.

5. If you answer a question correctly, your opponone takes a swig of beer.

6. If you answer a "pie" question correctly, your oppononet chugs a half a beer.

7. If you answer a "pie" question incorrectly, you chug a half a beer.

8. If your opponent answers a "pie" question incorrectly, they chug a half a beer.

9. If your opponent answers a "pie" question correctly, you chug a half a beer.

For the record, I won.

HRH texted me a Macho Man Randy Savage impression.

2007-05-24T11:53:00.000-04:00

No, I'm not kidding. We watched King of the Hill on Sunday night, and "Macho Man" Randy Savage guest starred (or guest voiced?) a steroids-popping, weightlifting character. I know, it must have been tough for him to really get into the role. So different from what he usually does.

Anyway.

The Coconut was treated yesterday to a diagnosis of biceps tendonitis, for which I was promptly administered a shot of cortisone (for the record, my arm still #$(*@$@ hurts). Cortisone is a steroid. Today I'm eating everything that's not nailed down. Coincidence?

HRH took the opportunity to text me the following:

"Are you pumped? OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Snap into a Slim Jim!"

Sigh.

-K.

The Long Con

2007-05-23T12:23:00.000-04:00

Tourists, beware...as travel season gets into full swing, there are swindlers everywhere who are trying to separate you from your wallet (and not just the hookers, either).

Particularly of note this year, and even more prolific than the dreaded "Nigerian Scam," is the Swayze Scam. For a mere 25 cents, the swindler asserts that you can have a peek at a sack containing Swayze. Of course, while you are peering in, someone relieves you of your wallet and other valuables.

And to add insult to injury, half the time Swayze's not even in the sack.

-K.

Fun with Alzheimer's

2007-05-21T15:41:00.000-04:00

It's been revealed to me that a certain friend-of-the-family appears to no longer be in possession of all her faculties. For instance, my aunt just emailed me to tell me that when she called said friend on the phone, friend did not know who she was. My aunt then suggested I go to see her, as she may remember a face as opposed to a voice or a name.

If she doesn't recognize me, this is going to go one of two ways.

1. I can say "ooops, sorry, thought you might have recognized me...well have fun
with that dementia! Buh-bye now."

2. I can say "ooops, sorry, thought you might have recognized me...well hey, why don't I stay and talk to you even though
you have no clue who I am? It's fun to hold conversations with random
strangers!"

Neither scenario seems very fetching.

-K.

WTF does this mean?

2007-05-21T14:53:00.000-04:00

"For example, if another country desires to maintain a fixed price of its currency against the dollar, it will purchase its own money on foreign exchange markets if it appears that the dollar is strengthening against its currency."

(Contest alert: Anyone who can explain this drivel to me gets an all-expense paid trip to Que Tal...hint hint Martini...)

-K.

Dear Ben and/or Jerry:

2007-05-19T16:54:00.000-04:00

Please put more Heath in your Vanilla Heath Bar Crunch. If I wanted plain vanilla, I would have bought plain vanilla.

AND WHERE THE HELL IS MY CHICKEN SANDWICH!

(Contest alert: Anybody who correctly identifies the origin of the above line wins an all expenses paid trip to Que Tal. And by "anybody," I pretty much mean "just Homeless Jesus.")

-K.

I should be Amish

2007-05-16T08:41:00.000-04:00

Because this is what I get for being prideful.

I screwed up my leg on last week's ride and I'm laid up for at least a couple weeks. I was SO CLOSE to being really really good, and now I'll just be mediocre again. Until I work doubly hard to get it back, that is.

But it still sucks in the meantime.

-K.

Reasons Why I Miss Birth Control Pills

2007-05-15T10:29:00.000-04:00

aka "I've Forgotten What PMS Was Like"

1. Everything makes me cry. EVERYTHING.

2. Every time I eat something, it feels like it is doubling the size of my ass. I feel like a pregnant yak.

3. No number three.

4. I'm carrying around enough water weight to sink the Titanic. Twice.

-K.

Old Man Plaid

2007-05-12T18:34:00.000-04:00

So I bought these today.

I've tried them on at least once previously, and I kind of think they make me look like a hippo. But I still could not live without them. Absolutely had to have them.

This will either be my most brilliant wardrobe move ever, or I will become known as The Hippo In Old Man Plaid. I'll keep you updated.

-K.

My education pays off

2007-05-10T10:05:00.000-04:00

Things I've done this morning:

1. I've been asked to email a description of an individual's mail, so she can decide if she wants me to mail her the mail.

2. I've been asked to scan documents into the computer and email them.

3. I've been asked to find toner for a printer.

I'm SO glad my bachelor's degree and half an MBA is being put to good use (if you felt the heat from the flames shooting from my eyes right now, you get bonus points).

-K.

I don't get it.

2007-05-09T11:29:00.000-04:00

I sleep SO much better at night whenever I don't have to go in to work the following day. I can go to bed at the same time and get up at the same time, and feel infinitely more rested. It's not like I'm getting extra sleep or anything; I'm just getting better sleep. I don't fully understand the phenomenon, but I'm pretty sure it doesn't make my job look too good.

-K.

Public Service Announcement

2007-05-07T16:26:00.000-04:00

When your Pilates instructor asks if you would like to work your outer thighs or inner thighs during your reformer session, the correct answer is NOT inner thighs.

You're welcome.

-K.

Something a little less demonic...

2007-05-02T08:43:00.001-04:00

I did go to the hip hop dance class.

It wasn't pretty.

It looked kind of like this.

Darren's Dance Moves

2007-04-28T18:08:00.000-04:00

There's a new hip hop dance class at my gym, beginning next week. My gym. Full of old people and the collegiate set: white kids from the suburbs, and international students (mostly Asia). Also, I should mention that most of the students at this particular college are male. There's apparently a huge problem with getting the girls to go to Geek U. If anybody wonders why there aren't many girls on this campus, they should visit their friendly IT department.

Anyway.

So yeah. Hip hop dancing. And I SO want to take this class. Me, the suburban white bread drama queen. Hip hop dancing. I'm sure I'd closely resemble the food processing of a turtle.

-K.

Pet Food Recalls

2007-04-24T10:00:00.000-04:00

The Coconut Cats were hauled into the v-e-t last Tuesday, because I found out that the food I had been feeding them for the past month had been recalled. THANK GOD everybody's kidney values tested normal. I'm now extra-vigilant in reading the labels on pet foods and learning what the ingredients list really means.

Nutrition for pets is something that should NOT be left to your vet: most of them went to vet school with books published by companies like Hills (Science Diet) and Purina (Iams). The only nutrition they ever learned about is the propaganda pushed by their textbooks, which obviously had a vested interest in pushing these foods. Besides, look at it the way you would your own doctor...they know that you should drink water and eat more fruits and veggies. But if you want to discuss real nutrition, you go to a nutritionist or registered dietician. Unfortunately, there aren't many of those when it comes to small animal nutrition, so you'll have to find all this out for yourself.

Itchmo is the most comprehensive site I've found so far that covers the tracking of this devastating recall. Take a few minutes to do the research. Be educated and proactive. Keep the fur kids well!

-K.

I SO rule.

2007-04-21T16:24:00.000-04:00

My bike team had its first ride today. 18 riders, both veterans (myself included) and newbies, showed up for the inaugural ride.

I'm the fastest female on the team, and faster than a lot of the guys.

I know I shouldn't let that get to my head, because the bigger they are, the harder they fall...but DAMN it feels good. My genes don't make me a very appealing prospect to the world of sports. In fact, when running, I closely resemble a pregnant yak. I'm not good at it and I usually come in somewhere near the bottom 5%. Ok, the bottom 5.

But I'm the fastest female on the team. And I've got lots of Spinning classes and weight lifting to do that says it'll stay that way.

The Coconut has a reputation to protect now.

-K.

Feels like a midget is hangin' from my necklace...

2007-04-12T14:04:00.000-04:00

As the great and wise one, Ludacris, says, "don't worry 'bout me steppin' all over your feet."

Stand up.

I stand for the right of women to choose for themselves, their body, and their situation.

I stand for taking that power out of the hands of old, square-headed white guys who fear the uterus and putting it back where it belongs: with women.

I stand for the fact that sometimes, we have to take responsibility for our actions and that abortion shouldn't be used as birth control (I know, the feminists are going to take away my membership card now).

I stand for the fact that nobody has the right to play doctor and refuse to fill a prescription that was prescribed by a real one. Because, really...if you can fill Viagra with a straight face, you can fill my Ortho Tri Cyclen.

I stand for the fact that no HMO or insurance company has a right to tell a woman who she can see and for how long she can see them.

I stand for the fact that no doctor has the right to degrade or demean their patients by spouting ridiculous comments like "your husband will be pleased; I sewed you up nice and tight." We are not broodmares.

I stand for people's rights to disagree with me, but not for flaming responses.

I stand for the fact that if you don't like any of this, you can leave now. Just like your TV has an off button, so does your computer.

-K.

WTF?

2007-04-07T17:45:00.000-04:00

Go to google maps.

Obtain directions from New York to London.

Observe #23.

That is all.

-K.

Isn't That Just Slap-You-In-The-Head, Spit-On-Your-Neck Fantastic!

2007-04-05T11:09:00.000-04:00

HRH refuses to let me live this one down. Maybe it's because I heckled him too much when he backed Big Momma Jeepster into the fire hydrant and caused $1200 worth of damage. In his defense, I suppose fire hydrants really DO pop up out of nowhere.

However, he still felt the need to tell me I needed to reset the alarm because I'd accidentally set it for the buzzer instead of the radio, and knowing me I'd probably dive out the window and call in the SWAT team as soon as it went off.

I was less than amused.

-K.

You Can't Invent This Kind of Stupid

2007-04-04T14:54:00.000-04:00

The carbon monoxide detector went off in my house today. I, fittingly, freaked out and called HRH. He told me to call the city's police deparment, and he'd be home ASAP. The nice dispatch lady transferred me to the fire department, where that nice dispatch lady told me to close all the windows and go outside to wait for the fire trucks.

::insert panic button::

I started getting hysterical, and left the house. But I couldn't leave my babies in there. So I ran back in and stuffed Her Royal Littleness and Her Royal Divaness into the big carrier (about which they were less than pleased), but His Royal Largeness ran and hid. I went outside with the girls hissing at each other and all but collapsed on the sidewalk.

The firemen found me there, huddled against the cat carrier. One offered to have me sit in the truck where it was warm. I refused to leave my cats, so he draped his jacket over me. The whole time, intense sobbing was going on, and they tried to calm me down and offered to call an ambulance. I somehow managed to get it together enough to decline.

Then one of them came out of the house and gave the "all-clear." He patiently explained to me that what I thought was the carbon monoxide detector was really the doorbell over the stove, and the steady beep I heard was really the stove timer, which had gone off and stayed on for no reason.

To recap: I thought the goddamn DOORBELL was the carbon monoxide detector, and got the fucking FIRE DEPARTMENT involved.

-K.

My Sister-In-Law and the Tumor

2007-03-20T09:45:00.000-04:00

First, the good news - her tumor has shrunk from the size of a softball to the size of a golf ball. Yay! She won't need any more chemo at the moment and is now a candidate for surgery, which will be in a few weeks.

More good news - she's feeling really great and has "bounced back" from her rounds of chemo in a week. She sounds great, she hasn't lost weight, and doesn't look sick at all. These are definitely positive things for her situation.

Now, the bad news - if there's cancer they haven't seen yet, she may have to have a total hysterectomy. They've been wanting children for quite some time, so this could be devastating. I can't even imagine going under and not knowing if I'll wake up with or without the ability to conceive.

So please, keep my sister-in-law and her husband in your thoughts and prayers as they face this next hurdle.

-K.

I Recently Saw "The Devil Wears Prada."

2007-03-18T19:02:00.001-04:00

In slightly related news, I need better clothes.

-K.

Things That Piss Me Off Today

2007-03-10T14:31:00.000-05:00

It's mostly just one thing that pisses me off today. Technically it was pissing me off last night, but I didn't post it last night, so I guess this post really be titled "Things That Pissed Me Off Last Night." But it's not.

I read through my syllabus for my new class: Legal/Ethical Environment of Business. Seems as though it's something I should know a bit about, having worked in law firms for 7 years. We have to do a case analysis every week, which is no big deal. At least one paper a week is better than 2 - 3 like Insane Japanese Website instructor of last term (how I pulled off that A, I'll never know). It's 5 - 10 pages. Again, no big deal.

Except for the fact that it's supposed to be single spaced. SINGLE FLUFFING SPACED.

Which is the equivalent of a 10 - 20 page paper. This motherfluffer has the BALLS to ask for a TWENTY. PAGE. PAPER. Every week! Who DOES that?

Methinks I will plot his early demise via George Foreman Grill.

-K.

Geez, it's been awhile

2007-03-08T10:04:00.000-05:00

I know. I really can't account for a lot of this latest absence, but here's a quick snapshot:

1. Favorite sister-in-law still going through chemo. She has her last treatment tomorrow, after which she'll be re-evaluated. Please send healing energy her way!

2. My cousin's death hit me really hard, a lot harder than I expected it would. It's only been in the past few weeks that I've really rejoined the world.

3. Econ class threatening to kill me. Prof sent us to the website of Japan's Minister of Finance to find information for a paper. Guess what language the website is in. Apply head to desk with force. Repeat.

4. The bi-polar-ness that runs in my family is making its way down to me. Thankfully, in a much more manageable form of depression. I started meds yesterday. They're not supposed to really do much for a month or so, but I swear I feel better already. I was all excited that HRH warmed the car up for me this morning, LOL. Previously, I wouldn't have reacted to little things like that. I would have noticed them, but I wouldn't have had any feelings towards them either way. Maybe it's just the fact that I was finally able to take charge of it, and am finally getting my life back. Because that's what it feels like. It also kind of feels like I'm on cold meds, which is interesting. I can't wait for the part where it kills my appetite and makes me lose weight.

HRH and I are going to Virginia for Easter, which will be awesome. I love visiting my family in Richmond, and I just love Virginia itself. It's a beautiful state. And warm. Which is important, since right now it's about 11 degrees here.

Global warming, my ass.

-K.

It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas...

2007-02-14T13:53:00.000-05:00

...no, seriously, it is. We've been hit with about 2 feet of snow in 24 hours. It's so bad out there that BigFirm sent us home early yesterday and shut down the office entirely today.

Yes, kids, the Coconut has a snow day. Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! I haven't had one of these since high school!

Not much has been happening around here that doesn't suck. My class is threatening to make me clinically insane. The instructor still refuses to clarify assignments until AFTER you send them in. I would bitch more, but I'm rocking a 99% in this class and I'll take that, thankyouverymuch. But this past week he wanted an assignment due that wasn't on the syllabus until the week after. So I'm a week ahead with that assignment, but why would you freak people out by asking for an assignment that doesn't show up on the syllabus for that week? Apply head to desk with force. Repeat.

Work is going much better. I really hated my first two weeks there, and I couldn't understand why everybody loved it so much. My second two weeks were kind of neutral. I could take it or leave it. But my last two weeks...um, they let me work from home last Friday. Yeah. They officially rule.

Other than that, I'm trying to keep a lid on the stress so I don't end up with a one-way ticket to Where's-My-Toaster-Ville (curling up on the bathroom floor at midnight and sobbing uncontrollably due to super high stress is not helping that mission).

Want to hear how horrible of a human being I am? This one's good. You'll like it.

I have recently (and by "recently," I mean "Saturday") received The Second Worst Haircut of My Entire Life. I hate it. I really and truly hate it. I said "not a lot of layers," she heard "make my head look like a wedding cake." It is SO not what I wanted and it is SO not me. I spent most of Monday bitching about the fact that my hair looked AWFUL.

Then I got my sister-in-law update that afternoon. Her chemo's going really well, and she's not having too many side effects. The updated included a picture of her and her husband.

Who are both now bald.

-K.

I Really Hate This

2007-02-04T18:13:00.000-05:00

My cousin died unexpectedly last Thursday. His heart just gave out and he passed in his sleep. His mother found him when she went to wake him for his shift.

He was like the brother that I never had, to more than just me. Other cousins of mine say the same thing. He was a really great guy, a wonderful family member, and it will take everyone a very long time to adequately deal with this.

Me more so than others. I don't get to attend.

The services will be held in Denver, where he and his family lived. For those of you that don't know me well, my real dad's side of the family is from Colorado, and most of them still live there. For those of you who REALLY don't know me well, my real dad kicked me out and disowned me shortly after he married his second wife. I didn't play the Brady Bunch game well enough, and I was dismissed.

His side the family, though, thinks he's a jackass for doing what he did and tells him so on a regular basis. They all still talk to my mom and like her better than they like him, let alone his second wife. His mother, my soft-spoken, find-good-in-everything grandmother tells him often that she never raised her kids to do anything like that.

Apparently my real dad is going, which means my presence will not be necessary. At least according to him. Everybody else would be glad to see me, but this cannot happen for several reasons:

1. I can scrape together the $220 for a roundtrip plane ticket and getting the time off work wouldn't be a problem, but I would have to crash at my aunt's house (the mother of my cousin who passed away).

2. He's probably crashing there too.

3. The last funeral we both attended, the post-funeral dinner was held at the decedent's house. Tables and chairs were set up in the backyard to accommodate the mourners. He REFUSED to sit in the same backyard as me, and in fact went into the backyard of a neighbor in order to avoid me. People kept coming up to me going "why is your father not even on this property," to which I could only reply "I don't know; you'll have to ask him."

I'm not EVEN going to bring that situation around my beloved aunt at this time. While I have no problem being around him (no longer my father, he's just another person to me, and I would treat him with the same courtesy I would any acquaintance), he obviously has real problems being around me. And she doesn't need, nor does she deserve, that kind of tension in her household as she prepares to bury her son.

I just wish the jackass hadn't made that decision for me.

-K.

Welcome to the jungle; it gets worse here every day...

2007-01-21T10:26:00.000-05:00

Lots of stuff has happened since I posted last, and I don't even know where to begin. I'm not sure that I like the new job. It's COMPLETELY different than anything I've ever done before, EVER, and I think that's probably coloring my opinion just a little. I have to learn how to cram actual work in around the endless meetings that we have (it's somewhat of a departmental joke that we don't actually work; we just go to meetings), and it's a little nerve-wracking.

There's this one guy who keeps giving me work to do and I'm not sure I really like him. He's not really anybody, really, but for some reason I constantly feel the need to apologize around him. And I hate being that person. I'm going to have to grow a spine, and fast, because I refuse to be that person much longer.

I feel pressured to do a good job, but I can't do that if I am never at my freaking desk. On the bright side, at least I'm losing weight. Never at my freaking desk to do work also means never at my freaking desk to snack endlessly. So far I've lost 4 pounds on the BigFirm Diet! Wheeeeeee! :)

I also miss a lot of my friends from my last job. I know they're only a few floors below me, but still. This place will never have the family-like feel to it that my last place did. I truly felt like I belonged with those people (at least the ones I counted as my friends). Here, I'm one of 1300 in the Cleveland office alone. Feels like I got thrown into the deep end, and nobody bothered to toss me a life jacket.

HRH also interviewed for a position at BigFirm (yay for referral bonuses!), which hopefully he will get. The only thing is, workers in that department start as early as 6am. Recall that we only have one car. Yeah. I about flipped out, whining about how I would miss my favorite 6am Spinning classes at the gym, that's the entire reason we JOINED the gym, we might as well quit, blah blah blah. I know this is a good opportunity for him, but my entire professional life has recently been upended, and I don't know that I could handle my personal life being upended as well. Horribly selfish, I know. But the Coconut can only take so much before she starts crying for her toaster.

Then the bomb dropped. Found out that my favorite sister-in-law has cancer. Stage III - IV, either ovarian or peritoneal (lining of the abdomen). Apparently they're very similar and it's hard to tell the difference. Or so the doctors tell them. She had been undergoing some tests for a few weeks to determine the source of her abdominal discomfort/pain, and was finally diagnosed Thursday. She started chemo on Friday. After 6 weeks of that, she'll be re-evaluated as a candidate for surgery. The doctors say it is treatable and beatable, so that's definitely encouraging.

What isn't encouraging, though, is that she's been having issues like this on and off for the past several YEARS, and when she had her last CT scan in October, there was NOTHING. THERE. How the fluff do you either miss something the size of a grapefruit, or how the fluff does it grow practically overnight?

So there you have it. I'm practically fetal over the prospect of missing my 6am Spinning classes, and my sister-in-law has cancer.

What a rotten human being I am sometimes.

-K.

Interesting Things That Happened During My First Week

2007-01-14T15:34:00.000-05:00

1. I lost three pounds. I have no. Time. To. Eat. EVER. These people are always in meetings. I have no idea when they actually work.

2. I heard a rumor that the head of the GC (division in which I work) likes to have "pre-meetings." Welcome to Dunder Mifflin, can I take your order?

3. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

4. My first day out of firmwide orientation, during which I sat in a random conference room, I had orientation with my team. The leader had prepared a spreadsheet outlining our goals for FY07. He had projects broken down by priority, and designated certain members of the team as primary and secondary resources on the projects according to what they would be working on. I am the primary resource (or "champion..." which makes me sound like a bad Queen song) on several projects. Really. I still can't find my desk half the time. This should be interesting.

5. I had the head of the Admins take me out to lunch on Friday, where she delivered a "do-you-think-you-made-the-right-decision-to-join-BigFirm-I-know-you're-overwhelemd-give-it-time-it-will-all-work-out-I-promise" speech. Interesting. Tt wouldn't surprise me at all if this informal "chat" was really a policy that was put in place after too many people quit after feeling "overwhelmed."

6. I ordered business cards. My first business cards. Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! I wanted them to say "Coconut, Queen of All Europe," but they told me they couldn't do that. I asked why. They said it mostly had to do with it being untrue. Ingrates.

-K.

Wish Me Luck

2007-01-07T13:59:00.001-05:00

Tomorrow I start a new job (career path?) with BigFirm.

-K.

Untitled

2007-01-04T08:39:00.000-05:00

Coconut: Oooooh, look at the pretty geese! Can I have one?

HRH: No.

Me: Please?

HRH: No.

Me: Why not?

HRH: Because they're mean.

Me: So are you.

HRH: Yes, but I clean up after myself.

-K.

007.

2007-01-02T08:29:00.000-05:00

Feels like a Bond movie already, doesn't it.

My NYE consisted of HRH making us 3 and a half pounds of king crab legs and popping a bottle of champagne. Mmmmmmmmmfeastycrabbiness. Needless to say, with a tummy full of rich crab and a half a bottle of champagne coursing through my veins, I only made it to 10:30. I know. I'm so lame.

New Year's Day consisted of the worst birthday party ever. Eventually I gave up and laughed at everything. I had to share the day with the traditional pork and sauerkraut eastern European good luck dinner, which in my mom's defense was very tasty, especially since she made homemade dumplings. Mmmmmdumplings. My resolutions took a backseat in light of the last Christmas cookies I'll see until November. I was reminded often that my birthday was "SO last year." Then we couldn't find fire with which to light the candles on my cake. Both the grill lighters were out, so my dad had to run across the street to borrow matches from the neighbor. This cements my theory that my parents are indeed the Flinstones. They don't even have such modern conveniences as FIRE.

That afternoon, curled up with HRH and Her Littleness, I began to look forward to a new year. 2007 holds a lot of promise for your dear Coconut. This Monday I start a new job, on what very well could be an actual career path. Law school didn't work out so well, as you recall, and I randomly muttered half to myself about how many second chances does life give you, anyway. The answer? Enough.

I have a wonderful husband who loves me like no other. I have a fantastic fur family of three meezers, who, despite their diva-ness, their skittishness, and their grumpy-old-man-ness, are happy. And that makes ME happy. It's been a complete honor to give Chance his last home, and to see that the sadness that was in his eyes when we first brought him home is now nowhere to be found.

So my resolutions have less to do with correcting last year's wrongs, and more to do with keeping things positive.

1. I resolve to get my finances under control, and be able to afford the care involved in adopting a Great Dane. I had to turn down a beautiful little girl over the weekened because the animal care budget just wouldn't be able to handle the financial aspect. This means paying some things off and doing without others, but with a tangible goal to work towards, it's well within my grasp.

2. I resolve to continue my fitness goals of riding in the MS-150, both days this time, and I've added a new goal. I want to be able to complete 10 pull ups. This will involve forcing me to work on upper body strength and weight lifting, which are areas I tend to neglect.

3. I resolve to figure out why there are never any number threes.

4. I resolve to eat the healthy foods that my body deserves. I am deserving of real, quality foods. I am above McCrap. So is everybody that reads this blog. Break the junk food cycle and eat REAL food. Your body deserves it, and so do you.

5. I resolve to lose 20 pounds. Hopefully #2 and #4 will take care of most of this one for me.

-K.

Halleluja, holy shit. Where's the Tylenol.

2006-12-28T11:50:00.000-05:00

That pretty much sums up my Christmas weekend.

Everything was pretty much a blast. An exhausting blast, but still a blast. It was really awesome having my cousins in from Virginia. Tons of visiting and fun was had by all.

In general Santa news, I am spoiled. But worth it. :) Nothing new there.

The kicker, though, is that I was talking to my favorite aunt the day after Christmas, catching her up on the visit as the cousins were making their journey home. I happened to mention that I liked animals better than most people. She uncorked "well, I hope you don't raise your children that way."

WTF????

This is wrong on SO many levels, I barely even know where to start. Oh wait, yes I do.

1. What the hell is so inherently wrong with me that you hope I don't pass it on to the next generation?

2. WTF makes you think it's ok to TELL me that you think I should raise my children to be nothing like me?

3. Most importantly, what's wrong with liking animals? Animals, UNLIKE MOST HUMANS, do not inflict emotional pain by, say, implying that you are so screwed up that your offspring should be nothing like you.

For the record, I plan to raise any children I may or may not have to like animals. Duh.

-K.

Group Hug for Ezekial...I'm the Sheriff!

2006-12-22T15:27:00.000-05:00

Well, my lovely bunch of coconuts, it turns out I really AM done. With this place.

I accepted an offer with a Big 4 auditing firm and will retreat to the land of geeky IT-related goodness early next year.

I gave notice to my current employer yesterday, which just so happened to be our holiday party. Apparently, it was all anyone could talk about.

I succeeded in making the holiday party all about me. :)

-K.

I. Am. DONE.

2006-12-19T16:38:00.000-05:00

Yesterday The Giant Leprechaun decided that the fluffing COMPUTER PROGRAM that was DESIGNED to do things like...ADD fercrissakes, simply wasn't adding his claims correctly.

I was thus dispatched to find such antiquated machinery entitled "adding machine," and manually add SEVENTY FIVE PAGES OF @#($*&@#)($*&@)(#$&@()#&$ CLAIMS.

Oh, and count the pages, too, because even though they are numbered, it just doesn't FEEL like 75 pages. Wah wah wah.

Am I really here? Is this really my life?

-K.

You Couldn't Hear a Dump Truck Driving Through a Nitroglycerin Plant

2006-12-18T10:03:00.000-05:00

Shopped yesterday. SEVEN HOURS later, my house is full of groceries, and most of the Christmas presents that I will need. I did not, however, make it over to World Market or Trader Joe's for the stuff I need for my patented Champagne Brunch that I will be throwing Christmas Eve morning.

Damn, it's been awhile since I've caught you all up, hasn't it?

Ok, this is how it breaks down:

December 21st: My firm's holiday party, at the Terrace Club at Jacob's Field. Nurse Betty would be proud.

December 23rd: My cousin and her husband are in from Virginia, and are spending the day/night with us. Hoping to show them around Cleveland they way they showed us around Richmond, and take in the New Barleycorn at Sullivan's, but we're unsure if my other cousin and her 18 month old will be along for these festivities as well. Since we are technically related, I will refrain from the Whee Look I Have a Kid and Since I Can't Do Anything Fun I'm Going to Tag Along So You Can't Either (no, Homeless Jesus, you are not guilty of this) rant. Hopefully my cousin and her husband (not the ones with the 18 month old, incidentally) will be able to stay the night, hence the patented Champagne Brunch.

December 24th: Champagne Brunch. :) Later that day, Mass and pierogis. We're Polish. Holla.

December 25th: Christmas Day dinner at my in-laws, much festivating. Later that day we'll be cruising back to my house so my cousins and my parents can spend some time together. This is where I wouldn't mind having the My Kid is So Cute Let's Stare at It for Five and a Half Hours marathon. Usually after 20 minutes of this I'm trying to figure out a way to blow my brains out.

December 29th: The Coconut's birthday! Festivating will commence. Email me for when/where if you want to be included.

December 31st: Staying in with HRH and macking the mistletoe for the last time. ;)

I must disclaim these kid-related rants. Neither Homeless Jesus nor Martini are guilty of any of this. My cousin, though she's my favorite cousin and I adore her (and not just because she looks just like me), puts her kid. On the phone. Wit a key.

I cannot begin to explain how unnecessary it is to carry on a phone conversation with a screeching 18 month old.

-K.

The Voluntary Human Extinction Movement

2006-12-05T11:17:00.000-05:00

A friend of mine from high school/distant cousin will announce later this month that she's pregnant.

For those of you keeping track, that makes me the second-to-last of my friends without a baby, impending or otherwise. This has caused me to take a step back and seriously look at my life and where it's heading.

I've thought it over, and I'd honestly rather have a dog.

-K.

It's Going to Be a Long Week

2006-12-04T13:53:00.000-05:00

Me: Good afternoon, The Giant Leprechaun's office.

Caller: ::beep: ::beep::

Me: Hello? Can I help you?

Caller: Hello?

Me: Hello? The Giant Leprechaun's office, can I help you?

Caller: Is this Metro, I mean Lutheran General Hospital?

Me: No sir, this is a law firm, not a hospital.

Caller: Oh. Do you have Lutheran's number?

-K.

If You Overlook the Fact that I Need to Be Committed, I'm Actually Doing OK

2006-11-30T16:36:00.000-05:00

So Big Momma Jeepster (aka "Ox") has decided that she wants to suck up approximately $750. This week (aka "right before Christmas").

This was revealed to me in a series of Taking My Car Into the Dealer Because Tt Sucks, and then a series of Taking My Car Into the Dealer Because Now It Makes a Noise That it Didn't Before the Previous Round of "Taking My Car Into the Dealer Because It Sucks."

Coordinating this took every last ounce of my coordinating ability (which is vast, I must admit), and now I feel like I have been sucked through the carcass of a typoid-ridden alligator at a speed similar to how fast Britney Spears' career is tanking (aka "again").

-K.

Gingerbread Pirates

2006-11-27T08:23:00.000-05:00

...are what you get if you decorate the gingerbread men AFTER you make the rum balls.

Generally, this weekend was a rousing success, unless you are my jeans, in which case it was a rogue wave/tsunami/blizzard/volcano/earthquake/Sasquatch/El Nino kind of a day. Four pounds in 2 weeks does not make for happy fabric.

Thursday was spent in a casserole-related coma, as per usual. My brother- and sister-in-law were in from Columbus, which always makes for a fun time. My other sister-in-law did not stay long, which also always makes for a fun time. I might have a very weird family, but they're a great family, and I was extremely aware of how thankful I truly am for them.

Friday was spent decorating - YAY for more twinkly white lights! My brother- and sister-in-law came over to see our house for the first time, and they loved it. They also loved my kitty boy Chance. :) Then my mother-in-law took us to Que Tal for dinner - giant burrito goodness ensued. See previous rant about jeans.

Saturday was Cookie Bake '06! My friend from high school/distant cousin came over, as well as my mom, and we baked for TEN HOURS. We didn't even get to the chocolate covered Oreos or the oatmeal scotchies. But it was a lot of fun, and it made the work go by very quickly. The Martini and Princess put in an appearance, and Martini spent a few hours helping to roll dough whilst Princess played with frosting. :) We'll definitely do Cookie Bake '07. :)

Sunday nothing went right - I couldn't get a decent run out of my legs, my keyboard carpped out right as I sat down to do my homework, and I just had no energy to do things like shower or put dishes in the dishwasher.

Today I can't believe that my beloved 4-day-weekend is gone. I also can't believe I waited until last night to watch the fall finale of Lost that I had TiVo'd. Why didn't you people TELL me that Kate and Sawyer got it on.

-K.

Were My Jeans Always This Hard to Button?

2006-11-24T19:01:00.000-05:00

Probably not. LOL. Guess I've got some work to do in the gym in the coming weeks/months.

Anyway, a great Thanksgiving was had in the Coconut family unit. My parents and I went to my in-laws, where my mother-in-law's son from a previous marriage and his wife were up from Cow-lumbus for the long weekend. I really like getting a chance to hang out with them; they're a lot of fun and really really nice people. As per usual, we all made too much food and ate way too much - probably exactly what you did.

HRH has been instrumental in putting up the decorations and Christmas tree this year. He's been helping me get over being sad because we didn't get Noelle - which is an entirely different post and as soon as I can tell the whole story without sobbing I promise I will.

So it's our first Christmas in our first house - YAY! You should see our tree - it's gorgeous. It has twinkly white lights on it, and I may not decorate it at all. I may just leave it with the pretty white lights. :)

Tomorrow we're having Cookie Bake '06 at the Coconut Casa. My mom and friend from high school/distant cousin are coming over and we're making cutouts, gingerbread men (and women - the Coconut runs an equal opportunity bakery), oatmeal scotchies, chocolate covered Oreos, and rum balls. Mmmmmmmm. Look for Martini and Princess to make a visit so Princess can decorate some cutouts. And by "decorate," I mean "get frosting on every available surface." ;)

-K.

"I Feel Like I'm In That F&$%#D Up Bar on Tattooine..."

2006-11-17T08:06:00.000-05:00

Props to the first who recognizes that line.

Anyway, I had the most bizzare dream last night. I dreamt that I was to get on a plane, and there was (among the other multitudes of passengers) a family that for whatever reason I was close to getting on the plane as well. We were all really afraid of something happening, like a terrorist hijacking it or blowing it up or flying it into a building. For some reason, it was revealed to me that I could save everyone.

I had to obtain a talisman, in the form of a clear plastic wrapper (don't ask, I don't know what that part means). I found the wrapper that I needed in a parking garage and went after it, but the wind kept blowing it out of reach. I found what I thought was the wrapper, and went back to board the plane.

Only it turns out that the wrapper I had brought with me WASN'T the right one. Once I boarded the plane, I looked out the window to see some evil guys standing outside, holding up the wrapper that I really needed. Even in my dream, I could feel my stomach fall into my feet. I realized I had to tell everybody to get off the plane, that it wasn't safe.

But my guide wouldn't let me (somewhere in all this, I had acquired what I would describe as a spiritual guide). She told me that I didn't really need the wrapper.

All I needed was faith.

-K.

I'm Baa-ack...

2006-11-16T09:03:00.000-05:00

I really thought I'd never blog again. But today I'm just so overwhelmed by everything that an email from my aunt actually made me cry. Granted, she's my favorite aunt and I love her to pieces, but I swear, in her mind, unless you live in squalor so that you can stay home full time with your children, you're a terrible mother. I know. Guess who grew up in the 60s. I'm currently trying to explain to her that things are just a tad different these days. I may or may not be getting through to her. I'll let you know.

So why the hell did this email cry? Why do I care SO MUCH what she thinks about me, when I spent so many of my teenage years (ok, last week) working so hard to ensure that my own mother didn't like me at all?

I have so much work on my desk it's unreal. I'm not very good at being overwhelmed. It usually just makes me curl up into the fetal position and start crying. I found out yesterday that a client wants to file their case on January 9th. Which means that my first Christmas in my first house will be consumed with overtime and stress, instead of actual enjoyment. That's seriously bumming me out, dudes.

I think I feel a mental health day coming on.

-K.

May the Fourth Be With You

2006-05-03T10:47:00.000-04:00

I know, I'm a day early on this one, but I wanted to share this last piece of wisdom with you, my lovely bunch of Coconuts, in time for it to actually be applicable.

I sense that my blog may be coming to its inevitable end. I know I said that once before, but it's different this time. I've realized that while this blog definitely sucked, my life no longer does. Actually, my life pretty much rules at this point in time. So much so that I've been known to be scared about what the future will bring. Life is change, and nothing is constant. This I know. Someday, it won't be like it is now. And I really don't want that to happen. I always want to be this happy.

In the past year, I've bought a house, gotten a handle on some girly health issues, gotten closer to my husband as a result of getting over said problems (NSFW!), had it truly sink in that I married the greatest man on earth, lost 12 pounds (how many more to go, I don't know - I'll let my body decide where to stop), found a sense of self-worth, self-esteem and a (mostly) positive body image, realized that I have great friends, realized that while I have no true calling as far as careers go, I am already on a path to a career that will fulfill my career needs as far as I need them fulfilled. I have made peace with my own mediocrity and given myself permission to stop overachieving.

I think that dealing with my own mediocrity has been the biggest hurdle since my high school days, when we all fought (some more successfully than others) over the coveted "top slot" in the GPA standings. But I've realized there is no need to always be top dog, or to even try for it. To work in the legal field, I don't need to be managing partner. I don't even WANT to be a lawyer. Occasional overtime is one thing, but regular 16 hours days will NEVER happen with me. My husband, my family and friends, and my life in general are too important to me to devote that kind of time away from them, and I need a work-life balance. I've realized that I don't have to have a "calling" in order to be happy in a specific career field. I certainly admire those who grew up knowing exactly what they wanted and attained it, but I'm not that person and there's nothing wrong with that. For me, I need something that satisfies my analytical and methodical nature, and if it keeps me immersed in the law (I've become a total legal junkie), then I consider that a bonus.

The things I want for you all are the same. To be happy with yourself, to strive only to better yourself and not to become someone else. To accept life as it is, along with its inevitable changes. Nothing is constant, and if you are unhappy, you will not always be so. If you are happy, relish it and live in the moment, and be able to look back on it fondly instead of sadly when it's over, because you lived it to its fullest potential. Life is only as hard as you make it.

May the Fourth be with you.

-K.

The Evidence Suggests I'm All Grown Up

2006-04-28T08:28:00.000-04:00

1. People my age have kids. This includes Martini and Homeless Jesus. Also my favorite cousin, who is three months younger than me and whom I grew up with.

2. I just said "whom."

3. People my age have careers. This includes RN.

4. People my age have kids AND careers. Martini this time.

5. I am past the age where everything revolves around school, or grades. I was in the locker room at the gym with a girl who didn't appear to be too young, and who was pulling on a cute skirt after her post-workout shower. I asked her what kind of cool job she had where she got to wear adorable stuff like that. Turns out she's in high school. My world now revolves around work. I don't recall having actually made that transition, but it jumped out and bitchslapped me, so I must have somewhere along the line.

6. I'm married and have a house. Or technically, I think the bank has the house. And the next 30 years of paychecks.

That's some overwhelming evidence right there. So why the hell don't I feel like I have it together? Actually I guess that's not really true. I do have it together in some respects, and I'm working on getting the career together. Sometimes I just wonder when it will start to feel like I'm not a kid anymore.

-K.

I Am Going to Beat People

2006-04-27T11:55:00.000-04:00

Originally Titled "I HATE SPIDERMAN"

Have I mentioned yet how much I hate having the Hollywood people here to film stuff? They just take over the city like they own it, and the rest of us are supposed to figure out another way to LIVE while they're here.

Today, I left my building to go to CVS. Mind you, I left via a door that was considered to be in the "secured" part of the set. Set. My goddamn building is in the middle of a SET. But that's OK, because I don't actually have to go to WORK or anything. Bastards.

Anyway, I go to CVS, get my soda and snack and hair stuff, and make my merry way across the street. Only the Nazi cop won't let me back in my building. I asked him if he was serious. He said he was. I proceeded to advise him that I WORK IN THIS BUILDING. He told me I had to walk all the way around my building and use an entrance on another block. I told him I just left out of that door and he didn't seem to have a problem with me 10 minutes ago. Mind you, the door I want to go into is less than 15 feet away. But I can't go into it.

Apparently cops in Cleveland are without a) any respect for those of us whose job does not involve standing around watching a movie being made, and b) any logical thought processes.

-K.

Why I Don't Live in California, But Might As Well Now

2006-04-24T08:58:00.000-04:00

I hate Toby Maguire.

More accurately, I hate the stupid Spider Man movie they're filming in downtown Cleveland. The Coconut works perilously close to the epicenter of the filming, and it's already wreaking havoc on little things like Getting to Work On Time. See, what usually happens when you close down two major arteries of downtown and shut off access to the parking garages along those arteries, is that more people want to park in other garages, those garages jack up their prices, and the traffic becomes insane. Of course, no one saw that coming but me.

Also, gas prices are insane. AGAIN. Moving out of the Boonies was one of the best things HRH and I have ever done, and we congratulate ourselves regularly. Our gas prices are fast approaching what would be considered normal in California (and by "normal in California," I mean "insane crazy granola crunchy super hippy everything's-more-expensive radicalness of the uber-rich").

So, to recap…the best reasons to live in Cleveland and not LA have been pretty much wiped off the map. We might not have the gorgeous weather, but at least we don't have filming crews and crazy gas prices. Or at least we didn't used to.

If there's a giant earthquake next, I think I will petition for clairvoyant status.

-K.

Epiphany, Part Deux (Just Deux It!)

2006-04-19T12:10:00.000-04:00

I apologize for the cheesy yet obligatory Hot Shots reference.

I'm still working on fully formulating the epiphany, but it goes something like this: working as a paralegal will give me all the perks (except salary, but it still pays relatively well) that I like about working in law, without all those annoying late night lawyer's hours. In short, it keeps me working on organizational, detail-oriented stuff, it gives me more autonomy in my work day, and it doesn't involve me typing up mind-numbingly boring things like time entries and expense reports.

I actually do like law, as much as I tend to bitch about it. But hey, morons are everywhere, and I might as well get paid well to deal with them in a job field that I actually like. I've all but given up on trying to find my "calling," because I don't think I have one. If anything, my calling is to be a good wife and have a good marriage, as nausea-inducing as that sounds. There is no job field in the world that would pull me away from my family. I'd rather be at home with my family, or friends, and the kitty clan. Hell, maybe I'm just lazy. It's entirely possible.

Speaking of morons are everywhere…I was sent a nastygram this morning about how the files aren't in alphabetical order, and why not, and can't we get them in alphabetical order.

Only they ARE in alphabetical order. Always have been.

-K.

This Blog Sucks

How did I get here without pants?

I'm alive, I swear!

I told you people. I so effing told you people.

Dear Giant Cable Company Run by Media's Favorite Assclown: Part II

Dear Giant Cable Company Run by Media's Favorite Assclown

Blogroll Update Alert!

I'm going to die

There's a nun on my Facebook

Whisky Tango Foxtrot?

Teh floo; I haz it

Obligatory Monthly Post

Well now.

LOLcat of the day

Nothin' says lovin' like a red-assed baboon

Dear Helpdesk...

LOLcat of the day

Dear Helpdesk...

Today can suck my ass

LOLcat of the day

Dear Helpdesk...

LOLcat of the day

Things I'd Like to Do

Still sick.

Teh internetz, I luvs dem

Balancing my checkbook

Scared of Santa

Coming up for air...

Spinning the Wheel of Ran-dumb-ness

Pizza Slut, I love thee

Sucky McSuckerson

You're all idiots. Part 375, 791, 019.

Observe

Taxez. I hatez them.

Optional Friday

Today

Holla

Untitled

That's interesting.

Obligatory catch-up post

You're an idiot. Part V.

You're an idiot. Part IV.

I get it now.

I Haz a Doggie

This Day Sucks

You're an idiot. Part III.

I iz in ur blog, makkin yousless komments.

Parking Lot Thugs Love Me

Sopranos Endings That Wouldn't Have Sucked

Can I go home now?

Waffles...

It's nice to know that some things don't change.

You're an idiot. Part II.

You're an idiot.

Drunken Trivial Pusuit

HRH texted me a Macho Man Randy Savage impression.

The Long Con

Fun with Alzheimer's

WTF does this mean?

Dear Ben and/or Jerry:

I should be Amish

Reasons Why I Miss Birth Control Pills

Old Man Plaid

My education pays off

I don't get it.

Public Service Announcement

Something a little less demonic...

Darren's Dance Moves

Pet Food Recalls

I SO rule.

Feels like a midget is hangin' from my necklace...

WTF?

Isn't That Just Slap-You-In-The-Head, Spit-On-Your-Neck Fantastic!

You Can't Invent This Kind of Stupid

My Sister-In-Law and the Tumor

I Recently Saw "The Devil Wears Prada."

Things That Piss Me Off Today

Geez, it's been awhile

It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas...

I Really Hate This